Adam Hess: adulthood is horrific

Edinburgh intros #27: The debut show by motormouth comic Adam Hess would be a cathartic one about his ‘freakish’ childhood, were it not for the fact that adulthood is even worse

Adam Hess comedian1. Hello Adam! Tell us a bit about the show. What’s in it? What can people expect? That sort of thing.
Can I be honest with you? Thanks. I’ve lied to everyone about what it’s about because I hadn’t finished writing it until yesterday. I told one guy it was about my addiction to treehouses. (Not true in the slightest). But in all honesty it’s just me doing stand-up, talking about my life as a kid and how I was a freak and had a worryingly large head and would wear dresses and got made fun of for wearing knee-high socks too often.

2. What’s your favourite bit?

There’s a bit where I say that I had my 18th birthday party on a boat on the Thames so when everyone realised how boring it was they couldn’t leave. DISCO JAIL!!! Then about a minute after that in the show I put an entire orange in my mouth (Unpeeled). It’s easy to get in, but the only way to get it out is to eat it. Two audience members now have told me it’s quite upsetting to watch, but it only lasts about five seconds so I think they should just get over it.

3. If your show were a dog, what breed would it be?
The dog would be 1 hour long.

4. What’s your walk-on music going to be and why?
A remix of the national anthem and Thong Song I feel it sums up the spirit of the show perfectly.

5. Who will you be living with and how do you expect that to go?
I’ll be living with comedians Rhys James, Mark Smith and the (now) double act “3 Piece Suit” – two absolutely great chaps who are coping brilliantly since the assassination of their brother during last year’s festival.

6. What will your Edinburgh daily routine be?
No matter where I am in the world I watch Titanic every morning at 7am while eating a high-protein breakfast of chicken and scrambled egg (the Triple Hen). I couldn’t recommend Titanic more for a morning film as it makes you realise that no matter what you encounter that day, it’s better than being on a floppy old boat that doesn’t even know how to swim properly without completely messing everything up! I will then flyer my show for a couple of hours, do my show, and bed at 9.

7. Do you enjoy the Fringe?
Absolutely. I consider every comedian I’ve ever met to be a close friend, so walking around the festival is a treat! Whats more, Edinburgh boasts no fewer than FOUR Subway restaurants (EAT FRESH), and with the new Chick and Bacon Ranch Melt for only £5.99 with a drink I can think of no better place I’d like to spend the summer!

8. It sounds like you’re really normal. What’s the most normal thing you’ve done today?
I went to buy a Pritt Stick today. I asked the man, “Do you sell Pritt Stick?”, he said, “What’s it for?” This is absolutely none of his business and the answer doesn’t let him locate the Pritt Stick for me any sooner. I was surprised by the question and couldn’t be bothered to go into the details of my crafts so I said “Oh nothing important.” This, however, made me look like I had something to hide. I don’t. My secrecy, I’m sure, roused his suspicions about my character and I started to feel nervous. These sorts of awkward interractions are very normal and common, I think, and something that I hope makes me a relatable and endearing performer for the Edinburgh masses.

9. What would your six-year-old self have thought about you growing up to be a comedian?
I was good at nothing as a child other than making people laugh so it wouldn’t have been too much of a surprise. I used to walk around stroking my own head a lot like I was a cat, which even at the time I knew wasn’t great, so any improvement on that would have been more than welcome.

10. There must be SOME positives to getting older and not being six years old. Hit me with a few.
No. Growing up is awful. You get to do what you want but that’s awful. I can eat whatever I want which sounds cool, but I’m now fat. I’m also drunk while typing this. I guess I like the fact that you can stay in bed all day if you want. The only reason I ever get up is to impress my housemates. But I think they do the same too so I think we should have a flat meeting about that.

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