Carey Marx – 12 unexpected consequences of a heart attack

Helluva comic is Carey Marx: smart, incisive, and a brilliant storyteller. And he's a popular chap too, judging by the outpouring of goodwill towards him when he had a heart attack in 2012. Still, he survived, and got a show out of it, called Intensive Carey, which is coming to Soho Theatre. And it's a pearler, receiving a glowing 4-star review from towering critical monolith, Edinburgh is Funny. So you should really go see. In the mean time … Carey_Marx3 1) You get to see parts of a hospital that you haven’t seen before. You discover that sick people make strange noises at night. After a while, you can tell what illness someone has from the strange noise they make. Occasionally, a patient will make the wrong noise for their illness and you have to correct them. 2) The medications are very strong. Stronger than you are. The more you take, the more you can’t pick them up. 3) You are now an Accident and Emergency VIP, congratulations. If you’ve gone in with chest pain after having a heart attack, you get rushed past everyone including the man with a pencil sticking out of his throat. This speedy boarding treatment is nice, but it doesn’t make you feel good. It’s like being served faster in a restaurant because you’re ugly and they want you out of there. It’s like catching the bouquet at a wedding because your underarms stink. 10) You only utter wise things from now on in case they’re your last words. 5) You need a sense of humour even though that won’t work because nothing is funny anymore and will never be again. 9) Counting five things is more difficult. 11) You become jealous of other people who haven’t had a heart attack. They’re so complacent about it. Arseholes. 14) Hamsters become your enemy. They run on their little wheels all night showing off. 17) You use the word arsehole more often. 21) Your best friend is a beeping machine. You cannot hide your love for it cos it long-beeps when you’re happy. You take it everywhere with you. It gets priority over baby-carriers on the bus. You call it Anthony. 22) In hospital you meet some interesting characters. Some of them are dangerous. Some of those dangerous people are the doctors. They touch you in your sleep and occasionally cut you up. 23) You live happily ever after. But, that isn’t very long. 24) You get lots of presents. It’s like a birthday, but there’s no cake, celebrations and definitely no room of people shouting surprise. 26) You use the heart attack excuse for everything. 27) You use the heart attack excuse for everything. 28) Even repeating yourself. 27) You cry when a ball bounces because you can’t anymore. 29) Arsehole. 30) You write a 500 word article that’s 551 words. 31) You can inexplicably speak four other languages, but not ones other people have heard of. 32) You become more gloomy. After all, why shouldn’t you be? We’re all going to die. Probably horribly. 33) Rainbows become prettier. But, painfully more untouchable than ever. 34) You try to lick postage stamps through the envelope. 83) You go to bazaars, buy up every lantern and rub them hoping one will contain a genie who can fix you. 38) You dream about donkeys. (To be fair, that only happened once) 40) You say radiator instead of cheese. 41) You confuse people in sandwich shops. 42) You find that even shouting radiator won’t get them to put more cheese on. 45) Clouds look like broken hearts. 44) You laugh at the word hereditary, like everyone in your family does. 8) You feel invincible. My heart can’t kill me, so nothing can. 46) You write a show about it all. • Carey Marx: Intensive Carey is on at Soho Theatre from May 28-31, call 020 7478 0100 or click for tickets  

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