Well what an exciting moment for London is Funny. Adam Riches' Rogue Males was one of the most highly rated shows at last year's Edinburgh, and before it transfers to Soho Theatre next week, all four Rogue Males - that's Victor Leggit, Connor Connorson, O'Hara and Daniel Day Lewis - dropped by for tea and testoserone...

PAUL: I’m joined here by the characters from Rogue Males, Adam Riches’ hit show that’s about to begin a two-night run at the Soho Theatre.

ALL: Yo.

VICTOR: Yakult?

PAUL: No. Thank you.

VICTOR (pictured left): Helps get you going. Adrenalin flavoured cheese in a bottle. This is my Red Bull. Only it’s clay and from a cow. Clay Cow.

VICTOR POPS THE FOIL LID WITH HIS FINGER, SPRAYING EVERYONE.

O’HARA: Jesus...

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Fucks sake.

VICTOR: Sorry.

PAUL: It’s fine, Victor, really. Guys, thanks for dropping by. Would you like to introduce yourselves?

DANIEL: I’m Daniel Day Lewis!

PAUL: Wow. You’re ‘the’ Daniel Day Lewis?

DANIEL: No. ‘A’.

PAUL: Right.

VICTOR: Victor Legit. Big Bloke Extraordinaire. Don’t bother shaking my hand, I’ll most likely rip it off.

PAUL: Really?

VICTOR: Yep. I’m massive. Wookiees let me win.

PAUL: I see. (YELPS) Hey, did you just pinch my bum?

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) You better believe it. Connor Connorson. Part-time Bartender, full-time pervert.

Hairy: Game hunter O'Hara.


VICTOR: Wait a second. How come he gets brackets after his name?

PAUL: He has an accent. I thought that might help in getting his character across.

VICTOR: I want brackets.

PAUL: O.k.

VICTOR: Now.

PAUL: Fine.

VICTOR: ()

PAUL: There you go.

VICTOR: () That it?

PAUL: Well...

VICTOR: () Put something in them!

PAUL: What?

VICTOR: () I dunno. You’re the scribe. Put something in them that describes me.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) How about ‘PRICK’?

VICTOR: () How about passport? Yours.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Illegal mate and proud of it! Fifteen months and counting!

VICTOR: () MAN’ll do. Victor, open brackets, MAN, close brackets.

PAUL: Fine.

VICTOR: (MAN) Nice. ‘preciate it.

PAUL: Anything for you Daniel?

DANIEL: Just LOUD. Or BOOMING. Or maybe just type everything in bold caPIT-...THERE YOU GO!

PAUL: You?

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) I wouldn’t bother asking him mate, he’ll monologue you to death.

O’HARA: Call him GRIZZLED. GNARLED. O’Hara. Big Game Hunter. The Tamer of Tanzinia and The Racist of Rwanda. The Man who once saved an entire village just by staying away.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) See what I mean? Talks only in the third person too.

PAUL: Why?

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Comic effect. Although that soon dries up when he has to ad lib.

PAUL: Have trouble dealing with latecomers do you?

Horny: Connor Connorson


O’HARA: (GRIZZLED/GNARLED) Know how you catch a latecomer? Line up your gun to the empty space he should be in, let off a single round, chances are he’ll walk straight into it. Blammo.

VICTOR: (MAN) Course I handle a strict ‘Latecomers will be winded’ policy. If you are early, you are on time. If you are on time, you are late. If you are late, that is totally unacceptable.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Exactly what I say to my waitresses. Course we ain’t talking about their timekeeping.

PAUL: So tell me a little bit about ‘Rogue Males’?

DANIEL: AMERICA. 1757. A HURON WAR PARTY IS HUNTING...

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) No. That’s the ‘Last of the Mohicans’.

DANIEL: AMERICA. 1863. THE FIVE POINTS DISTRICT.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) ‘Gangs of New York’.

PAUL: What’s he doing?

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Making the answer to every question one of his films. He’s a Method Method Actor. Totally immersed in his role of being a Method Actor called Daniel Day Lewis.

VICTOR: (MAN) Nothing wrong with ‘being’ your job. I ate, drank and slept being a surveillance officer.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Maybe that’s why they fired you?

VICTOR: (MAN) I wasn’t fired. I was dismissed constructively.

PAUL: Who did you work for?

Heroic: DDL as the Lone Dueller.


VICTOR: (MAN) The Federation Against Copyright Theft, FACT. The Pirate Busters. The DVD Police.

PAUL: DVDs? What are they? Like videos?

VICTOR: (MAN) Exactly.

PAUL: I’m just kidding.

VICTOR: (MAN) Technology killed this piracy star. Apparently DVD Piracy is on the wane. CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Here we go.

VICTOR: (MAN) Apparently the internet is our number one threat. Fine I said, Tron me up, so I can digitise my way into the mainframe and arrest these cyber-bastards. No can do Vic. For a start we don’t appreciate your use of the word Tron as a verb. And for twosies, you’re a drunk. You stink of out of date Yakult. You got a healthy bacteria problem pal and you need help. Slam. P45 in the post. Brick shithouse on the dole.

PAUL: Right.

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) And on that happy note...

PAUL: Well, thanks for taking the time to talk to me about ‘Rogue Males’. It’s on when?

CONNOR: (AUSTRALIAN) Dunno.

O’HARA: (GRIZZLED/GNARLED) Who cares?

DANIEL: I’M DANIEL DAY LEWIS!

PAUL: Great.