James Veitch – the Apple Genius making an appointment with your funny bone

Edinburgh intros #6: After his acclaimed debut show last year, James Veitch is BACK, with a ‘clumsy tale of broken hearts and broken iPhones’


1. James. Please tell us a bit about the show.
Why isn’t there a Genius Bar for life? When I was an Apple Genius I could fix everything. Why can’t I fix my own life ? Basically I take my own heartbreak and try to apply troubleshooting techniques to fix it. It’s a show for anyone who’s ever had a broken heart ,,, or a broken iPhone.

2. What’s your favourite bit?

3. If your show were a dog, what breed would it be?
A mutt. A racial salad.

4. What’s your walk-on music going to be and why?
There’s no walk-on music because I expect I’ll be fixing your computer on stage from the start; last year I had the Superman theme which, in hindsight, may have been a bit much.

5. Who will you be living with?
I’ll be living with three other comedians and one bathroom in the FLAT OF FUN. I expect the atmosphere to contain the usual blend of irony, lethargy and poverty. Comics.

6. What will your Edinburgh daily routine be?

I think I’m going to spend this one trying to take care of myself. Half way through last year’s I got sick. Everyday I’ll be tweaking the show, adding small bits, changing things. And flyering. I love talking to people and inviting them to my show.

7.  Do you enjoy the Fringe?
Love it. It strips comedy and theatre – all art – to the sinew. You can have all the set, props and marketing you want in the most ornate theatre with the plushest red seats, but you know that somewhere, in a basement with a leak and a draft, brilliance is happening.

8. How did you take to being described as a genius? Does it feel amazing? Embarrassing?
Only ever say you’re a Genius with a smile and a raised eyebrow. Also it’s Genius with a capital G.

9. What’s it like in the Apple staff room? Oh hang on, do they even have one?
This is Apple confidential information that I shall be revealing in full in my show. Shortly before I’m kidnapped by Apple’s marketing team.

10. While you’re here, I’ve got an iPhone 4G, and quite often the internet stops working. It’s really annoying. Wifi is fine but it’s the 3G, it just completely drops sometimes and never comes back. I figured out that if I do “Reset network settings”, the internet works again once the phone comes back on, but after a few days it’ll drop again. It’s just a matter of time. I was in at a Genius Bar a few months ago and the guy tried doing “reset ALL settings”, but that didn’t seem to fix it for any longer than doing “reset NETWORK settings”. The phone’s a good 3 or 4 years old now, so maybe it’s just be on its way out!! Any ideas?
I suspect this could be the sim itself; take it out and put it in again; if it’s dropping then it could perhaps not be making the right contacts. That being said, bring it to my show and maybe I’ll fix it on stage. [Thanks! – Ed]

• Aaaaaand James Veitch: Genius Bar is at the Pleasance Courtyard at 4.45pm, and follow him at @veitchtweets

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