Rachel Parris, lady of letters, scrounges off Lord Sugar

rachel_parris3LiF blogger and Edinburgh debutant Rachel Parris needs cash and QUICK

Previous blogpost – Rachel pines for the ex-flatmate

Dear Lord Sugar,

I have a business proposition for you that I suspect/know you will be very excited about!

I am an actor and musical comedian, with several almost-accolades to my (Equity-registered) name. I’m sure you are thinking “well, this girl is obviously a financial certainty and needs no help from me”.

Well, this is where you’d be wrong, Lord Sugar. Much to your surprise, it is increasingly difficult to make a living from performing, but no time moreso difficult than this time, that is to say, in the lead-up to producing one’s own Edinburgh comedy show.

“Comedy?” I hear you croak, “Comedy is a surefire money-spinner – just look at Sue Pollard or Anton Dec.”

Well yes that is true, Alan, but one needs some capital to really get going with it. Once you’ve got some capital, the world is your proverbial, and your cooking on comedic gas, if you’re catching my language (the language of BUSINESS).

Thus, here is my proposal: you give me £60,000, with which I purchase a gold-plated Steinway piano for my show, which will not only lend an air of much-needed glamour to the proceedings but also a mark of respectability and class. This will increase donations to my show (which is free), tenfold, because people will think “Well, if that girl can afford a golden piano, then she’s the kind of person who deserves money, and therefore I will give it to her,” or, “Well, if that girl has chosen to buy a golden piano, she evidently knows how to handle her finances, so she will look after my donation wisely.” This conjecture is all laid out in my largely prose-based business plan, attached.

I will also contact relevant press in Edinburgh, such as Scot-Acoustic Monthly and Edinburgh Pianos Now, offering exclusive news coverage of my purchase, difficult transportation and usage of said instrument, the publicity from which will, on its own, justify your investment tenfold. I hope you don’t feel I’m over-using the word tenfold, or using it in a literal sense.

There you have it, Lord! Snap my arm off while the offer is still on the table, is what I suggest! I look forward to hearing from you, or hopefully, your assistant Nick, whom I prefer.

Many thanks,
Rachel Parris
Rachel Parris Enterprises Ltd (registration pending)

 

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