He’s a natural charming bastard of a comedian, he’s a regular at the superb 99 Club gigs across London, and he’s the meat between Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown and Jethro! That’s right, it’s Brett Goldstein!
Where do you live?: Stockwell.
How long have you been gigging for?: Two-and-a-half years.
What do you do?: I go on stage with the plan to dazzle people with original comedic ideas based on rigourous intellectual research and pepper these with deep emotional insights into the human condition. Then I look out at the crowd, panic, and just tell a load of dick jokes.
Who makes you laugh?: Tony Law, Joe Wilkinson, Brian Gittins, Nick Helm, Sara Pascoe, Pat Burschter, Gerry Howell, Caroline Mabey, Dan Antopolski, Trevor Lock, Paul Foot, I could go on…
At which London venues do you usually appear?: Gipsy Hill, Falling Down With Laughter, Exhibit and Happy Mondays among others, and I do a lot of 99 Club gigs.
What is your favourite London venue?: 99 Club Storm. It’s big and wide and you get to move up and down a runway. You feel like Britain’s Next Top Model – full of self-loathing and insecurity – but you are allowed a sandwich afterwards. Also, it is lit so that you can see the whole audience. I love to see the whole audience. I love it. Mmmmm… yeahhhhh….. dirty audience….
What are you/should you be famous for?: Writing female erotica.
What is your placing in the (hypothetical) Top Million Comedians League?:901,008. Sandwiched nicely between Roy Chubby Brown and Jethro.
Which celebrity do you look like?: Action Man.
Whose sex face would you least like to see?: Judi Dench. She’s a fine actress, and I wouldn’t know if she was faking or not. I think I’d leave that one night stand feeling very hollow. And then I’d keep calling her up, all through the week:
“Sorry, Judi, just one more time, if you wouldn’t mind, just tell me; did you honestly enjoy yourself?”
“I’ve told you Brett yes!”
“It’s just… I saw Goldeneye last night and you were very convincing…”
“That was different. That meant nothing to me. That was just work.”
“Was it, Judi? Was it?”
Audiences love it when I… have a beard.
Audiences hate it when I… look at them.
And here is Mr Goldstein going off-material and talking about films at Richard Sandling’s splendid Perfect Movie night in Soho…