Occupying that sought-after middle-ground between Brian Gittins and Tony Ferrino, ladies and gentlemen (mainly the ladies): Wilfredo. Read the below imagining a guttural Andalucian accent
None of your fucking business.(Looks disgusted.) Where in London do I live? Next question.
How long have you been performing for?
Since I gushed out of my mama’s womb spectacularly. I started walking at three months. I was dancing at six of them. The word prodigy is an understatement.
What do we need to know about you?
I’m a romantic singer, first of all. A recording artist. (Coughs.) But Wilfredo is a lover, a dreamer, a poet, a thinker.
What do we not need to know about you, but you’re going to tell us anyway?
My balls move around all by themselves. Sometimes, after I’ve had a shower, when I’m sat on my towel and I look down at them, it’s like looking at a lava lamp. Similar, you know. I’ve got two of God’s miracles in one beautiful sack.
What’s the Wilfredo daily routine?
My sister Mana Maria will bring me breakfast. After that I’ll smoke a cigarette in bed, thinking about how brilliant the show was the night before. While I smoke, I flick the ash into the ashtray which is resting on the bottom of the lady beside me, who is still sleeping, smiling … After eating, I’ll walk straight into bathroom, look into the mirror, and I’ll speak to the man I see in it. We’ve been everywhere together, me and him. We’ve been through everything life could throw at us and we’ve always won. And after a moment of reflection I’ll tell that man in the mirror that he’s the most gifted, most talented, most beautiful bastard in the land.
How would you describe the level of fame you’ve achieved?
Do you have groupies?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
What do you prefer out of singing, making people laugh, and making love?
Wilfredo can do all three at the same time.
Who makes you laugh?
People falling over and trying to look like nothing just happened, no one saw, it’s ok, keep walking keep walking, it hurts but keep walking.
If you were to appear on Parkinson as a guest, what would be your walk-on music?
Something of mine. ‘I’m Everything You Need’ or ‘The Child Is Not Mine’. I’d be the last guest on, naturally. Harriet Harman can be the first guest and Angelina Jolie can go in the middle. If I go on that show, it should be a Wilfredo special edition. A celebration of my life. I’ve loved both of those women. A little secret about the two of them … Angelina hates the toilet seat left up. Harriet hates it left down.
Describe your dancing.
Whose sex face would least like to see?
Are you funnier off or onstage?
Onstage. Offstage. (Coughs) I transcend the generations of taste. I will never be out of fashion. I transcend category. In England in the media you are obsessed with category… I was watching some discussion on BBC breakfast time when we… me and my Uncle Ignacio, my guitarist… were on tour. They were showing some of Leonardo Da Vinci’s science drawings and they were saying “it is science or is it art?” I couldn’t believe it. Yes it is science. Yes it is art. It is both. How can it not be both? Why separate? So, is Wilfredo a singer? Is he comedy? What is he? He just is. Just let it be. And enjoy it. My life is my art. Enjoy it.
And here’s another very revealing (and sadly unembeddable) YouTube interview with Wilfredo …
• The Wonderful World of Wilfredo is on at Leicester Square Theatre on October 17, 9pm, click for tickets.